Heard any good ones lately?

[Ol Sparky]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then they started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Marines."
Mommy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
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[gus danger]

It sounds like Aunt Jane and Uncle Bill oughta hook up!

Gus

[gus danger]

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom,
walked into a local h00ters. The place was hopping
with music and loud conversation, and every once in a
while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would
erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went
dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May
I please use the restroom?'

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn
you that there is a statue of a naked man in there
wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case I'll just look the other
way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of
the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the
whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a
loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I
don't understand.

Why did they applaud for me just because I went
to the restroom?

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the
bartender.

'Would you like a drink?'

'But, I still don't understand,' said the
puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time
someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.'

[img]graemlins/beer.gif[/img] [img]biggrin.gif[/img]
Gus

[mr rogie]

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish.
He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'O. K.', said the WA rden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the redneck.
...

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

[gus danger]

Good one Mr. Rogie! [img]graemlins/thumbs_up.gif[/img] [img]biggrin.gif[/img]

Here's one I'd like to share!

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning. Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor.

The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial plaque to all the young men and women who died in the Service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked,


"Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?"
[img]graemlins/angel.gif[/img]
GD

[ellanoize]

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and
says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die'

[ellanoize]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'

He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.

[gus danger]

I pity the fool who doesn't thinks that's funny!

[ellanoize]

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their
Lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One
day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our
lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor:
when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's
soft-ball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my
best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor
for you.' Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by
a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb,
Barb.'

'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me , Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little
bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better
yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better
than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime,
and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all
we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

[ellanoize]

Steriods! Nope, Never took Em...Honest!